Of me!

I believe that over past several months that mount to almost a year, I have ransacked every corner of my mind, deeply wanting to catch hold of one obscure idea that could be the subject of my writing. And in this god-knows-why pursuit of mine, I have only mutilated this very important part of my brain, yes, the very one which I use, right now, this very moment to write this piece. Therefore I do not know how stained this piece of white shall turn out to be, for an injury ridden mind still damp with unhealed wounds , tries, slowly, to cure itself.

Okay. So there is only one feeling that overwhelms me, excites and terrifies me, day and night, that in matter of months, not very far from now, my days and nights are going to change. I observe, day: from the time it starts, runs as fast as possible in a direction opposite to night in time, not knowing, that finally it would only end up on the doorway of night. This is equally true for – night, as well. From the time I woke up to this scorching truth, a few weeks ago, I have so beautifully adjusted myself to this reality, taken to indiscretion, administering and slowly leaking it into the ears of counterparts-friends and no friends, so impassively that some are stunned, some worried, even hurt by my plain and prosaic revelations, arguably untouched by reality.

I shall now wish to ponder over a passing thought. Of late, I have felt myself to be extremely lonely. Though I do not want to know the reason behind it, I somehow wish that atleast a vague answer tumbles onto my channel of thought and thus gives some respite, which I believe I deserve. Now, coming to the passing thought which actually has reoccurred this moment, which originally struck me when I lay on my bed a couple of days back, gasping for a while and then breathless for another, holding the part of the body which I most hate, which over the years I feel has been over fed and thus over bulged. I swear by god that I did not know for 22 years of my life that stomach ache actually exists in such brutality. While I lay- straight, motionless, totally still, as though affixed to my bed by a full 5 rupee feviquick, it occurs to me that I am totally lonely. There is no single person who knows of my sudden sickness nor is there one whom I wish to tell (I was not talking to my family; each of them, for different reasons. I do not, even now, except my sweetheart sis, who in many ways, is much more than a sis J). And then, I get a text from an old school friend, between us now exists a good 4 year distance, during which we silently moved away, though never did really forget. The text reads- how r u? U have forgotten me! I could feel the tone in which she must have exclaimed as she wrote it and I feel through those words, the love which she still has for me. I do not feel this love when some people text- love you! Or how r u, my love? And there comes the passing thought: how some words, though literally very expressive, fail to invoke any feeling at all and how some impassive words almost instantly lead you into a sea of emotions! I felt so very relieved talking to her, only more so with the kind of care that she extended. And I was happy. And then, it rained along with ice-stones! I quarreled with friends to eat them as our uncle proclaimed- taste these stones of ice and fall in love, free of cost! Our uncle is a true Indian, I must say, superstitious, and so are us, friends. None of us would let go the pieces of ice melt and soak into the soil, especially when the weather played romance so openly.

In exactly a month’s time from now, I will be giving first of the final lot of my externals, yes, for one last time, after which I will be technically – an engineer. I do not know how much it would mean to me, but I’m sure it would mean something at least, something, very important. With even IPL getting over, I shall now take up reading and writing to spend time. As always, as usual I have remained away and secluded from my so called friends at college. Its sad that politics had entered my life much earlier than I thought it would and spoilt a major time of my relationship with people, whom I still call friends, who I know, silently, like me. Though I know, I remained politically correct, I naturally in public eyes drove away from some people and unintentionally appeared to drive into some. Of everything, I know I have not gone anywhere, remained silently in my own space, and people who have realized it acknowledge it. That I never gave explanations must have become detrimental to me but never do I regret for that is something I do not like to do and I wouldn’t change that part of me for anyone or anything. Yes, what I was saying was that I shall take up reading for I miss it. Caught up with too many things I never gave time for it or myself. I wonder time and again that I’m drawn to people and books that talk about fate and mystery, disaster and triumph. And now as I’m ready for one more such experience my eye catches this book, silently hidden amidst a pile of similar such, once gifted by a sweet cousin, waiting for its time to be read. I must say it is growing very dear to me, page by page.

It is also very sad that politics is making its presence felt in cricket too, more than ever with the IPL’s inglorious showdown. I do not know which person is fraudulent to what degree but it’s an open secret that most of them involved, are, to some degree most definitely. Moral of what seems to be a totally immoral episode of IPL, for me is that, when you reach the zenith of success, all you need to do is keep an eye on your own friends for it is them and not your enemies, who would become your biggest detractors one day. I feel sad though for Mr.Modi. There is no one person who has not benefitted by IPL, but then the dirt shall only be splashed on one Mr.Modi. He should have known it much earlier!

In a week's time maybe we shall take our owners for a dinner, and then, click picture, to be put into a frame and then gift them, also to be taken with us as a memory object, to be kept in their showcase in a very important place and to be seen when I come down over here few years down the line may be. I would miss this building, my chair, oh! My bed, I would definitely miss the cold belgaum nights ,the night outs, the 1 pm railway station omelets’ with cheese, the random never ending discussions, the visits to the dhabha’s and drinking deep into the nights, the hall where we watched so many cricket matches sitting over the deewan, the bamboo-chairs, the jhoola. More importantly I would miss my friends (a big list, so let it be) who made all these things and events memorable. And I would definitely miss playing cricket on the balcony. Those good old 1st and 2nd year days! Of all I would miss the mimicking of our uncle aunty. I would miss mandar, the place where I ate the most, though I would continue to hate him, but still would somehow miss his gestures and madness. And how I would miss the manchurians and half chai of kapeel.Its sad that the Angol roads and the road side trees, huge in stature, living from over a hundred years only to be chopped off a few weeks back under the pretext of development, have been raped so publicly. I cry for them, for I have unknowingly developed a sense of attachment with them and a sense of belonging towards Angol, the place where I lived some of the most important years of my life, the place which is carved in my memory.

I have to mention that a green eyed blonde has helped me do away with much of my boredom these days and has become so fast so important to me, who always with her brilliant tonal mannerisms, now a bit hoarse from some infection which seems to stay forever, has almost always taken me away into a world of her own and more importantly made me smile. And who always is ready with a – Huh.Fine. Bye (which means, lets fight!) .I only hope she remains this way, cos I need to smile and it feels very good to smile too. I realize that from the past few days, I’m already missing a very enigmatic but irritable, loud, unusually moody and an absolute pain of a person who has been sharing my room with me from the time I came to this place, almost 4 years back, on whose bed I now sit and write this, ofcourse, in his absence (I cannot forgive him for making me fill all his share of water bottles all these years and he should only keep thanking me for the rest of his lifeJ). Now that he has gone into a world of his own and there is an inconspicuous distance between us, I do not know how to react to his grief and I, as best as I can be, am silent about it. Not that I haven’t tried, but I have realized he does not need words of sympathy. It is the least thing which one would need in such situation, I know. And I will miss him, his loquaciousness, his early morning thud-thud, and his arguments. And his unbearable raga, every time he would sing with his earphones on, at may be 6 in the morning, waking every possible creature in the building, while I would, sleeping beside him , frown at some unpleasant , unclear distant voices in my shallow incomplete dreams only to wake up later and know that it was him. Somehow these days I do not like it when I wake up to silence. The list seems never ending. I would miss the days of quarreling with him, and the aftermath: silence, again for days. Its funny how I could look at him and know what exactly is going through his mind, & vice versa. We both have helped each other incredibly and I don’t know how I would have spent these 4 years if he wasn’t here with me. I shall never forget him, even if by some play of fate, we do not remain in touch.

These 4 years have changed me completely, but what makes me happy is that I remain the same at heart. I am also happy that I got placed, for it made my father too much happy. I don’t know whether I would take up the job for this is something I would decide only for me, and nobody else. If at all I would miss one thing about collage it would be my most favourite Khuntale mam, whom I already miss so badly everytime I go to her chamber in the department. Somehow, throughout this semester, after her death, I haven’t been able to stay long in the department. Also I must say, I have never ever met or seen a person more ethical and just than our HOD. I would respect her for that all my life.

I do not know what I would be feeling, sometime in June, or July or august or sept, when I would be slowly packing all my belongings, my most treasured books, my bedding. I do not know! In the remaining few months I shall take more and more pictures as final memories (from my new phone, I’m about to buy). I shall try to be happy, make people around me happy. I do not know how I would feel when I would say goodbye to friends and important people; maybe I would be crying from inside, cold from outside, as usual. People would remark, again as usual – how cold! But I shall not mind at all. I’m growing a little worried now, for I need to go buy a new mobile and it’s about to rain. I should hurry. But now I don’t have the mood to go all the way actually. Whether I go or I don’t, for now, I close.

It's good this way, it's easy this way.

It’s good this way

It’s easy this way.

When the sun sets through the window

And the golden rays kiss my eyes

I am happy to be alone

In love with me

Not having anything to explain

Not having to hear a thing

Ain’t spice my desire

For there’s enough variety in the offering

Cos it hurts when it’s bitter

And it burns when it's hot.

Can't afford to make a soup out of my life!

It's good this way

It's easy this way.

I cry to YOU

Stand by me for keeps

My lord

I cry to you

Like how I pray from my deepest depths

My lord

I cry to you

Bending over the prayer mat

With a tilak on my forehead

The cross kissing my lips

To inflict upon you

My emanating torture of devotion

How do u save yourself?

I want to know

How will you save yourself

From my passionate sea of devotion

You will have to give yourself up to me

One day, forever

I shall arouse your emotion.

This really isn’t an aberration

I torture you but to seek

Your divine light to lead my path.

For I less know of myself

Even less of my survival

In these crises of faith.

Visit to the Golden temple

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4

5

So, the temple-calling didn't seem to end even after coming to Bangalore. My not so religious akka-bhava were also in some solid mood to visit a temple. So we set out to visit the highly appreciated ( in cyber tongue - high review'd :) ) Golden temple in Vellore , Tamil Nadu. The driver being my jeeju, the vehicle being his beautiful car, we start out at alomst 11 am last sunday.

Most tamilians are said to know not a single language except Tamil, but they sure seem to know how to build great roads! The roads were a beauty and we sailed through 209 kilometers reaching Vellore by 3 Pm. Cracking jokes as usual , enjoying the not so green-yet impressive stone rocks all through the journey along the road , listening to the FM stations of Bangalore which interestingly lasted for half the distance and then the A R Rehman collection CD , if was fun. I kept clicking the pictures of the roads with whom I really fell in love. Between, we had to make sure that we were on the correct route by asking directions to get answers,well, only in tamil.. That was fun and gave us incredibly funny moments.Also thanks to the google map which gave us quite precise idea of the route before-hand . We had lunch at around 12 30 at "anand bhavan" . North Indian stuff in Tamil Nadu! We kept asking for Kulcha in Hindi and he kept saying -no kulcha, only nan and tandoor roti ! , in tamil , both parties not understanding each other! Haaha... the confusion was amusing.

Now we reach the Sripuram Golden temple after a 12 Km ride in the Vellore city. And the first feeling was of- disappointment. NO CAMS,NO MOBILES we see this written everywhere. My jeeju and me ,we were really depressed . Plus the heat, Plus the rush. We still tried to get away into the temple with the cell phones, but then the security says NO. So we had to budge. We take "DIVYA DARSHANA" ticket for 300 rupees which annoys ( what is this 300 rps to see GOD's idol yar! ). And then we enter in the queue way which doesnt seem to end , again annoying us even more. Finally, we enter into the temple pathway which later we understand is in the shape of a STAR. So we again walk , but this time in this star-way surrounded by beautiful huge garden with lots of scultptures , and almost everywhere we could see beautiful little hoardings with messaages from "SRI SAKTI AMMA" about whom we don't know anything. Is he a sage? Is he some divine preacher who lived here once upon a time? Why does he stand along with the photograph of Narayani Goddess everywhere? How can he stand along-side the Goddess? All of us wonder! but dont get the answer! Well! How could we - its Tamil everywhere!

As we walk we see the side view of the Golden temple , shining in the bright sunlight, which is right at the center of this star shaped pathway . The side view is terrific and yes, the sight of it made us feel that coming all the way was worthwhile. We finally reach the temple outer ring walking through which we circle the temple to finally reach the front to view the Goddess.Now there is a water pool between this circular outer ring-path and the temple where water is fed continuously from the trunk of small elephants placed at equal distances around the pool above the water level. Now whats special-still is that in this pool people have thrown rupee coins and even notes and bangles , some golden as well, so much that the ground layer or the floor of the pool is totally covered up. And as we peep into the pool between the crowd , see the reflection of the temple and the shining coins, people still continue to throw the coins. What a sight! Awesomeness engulfs the vision of my eyes. Shining everywhere , golden everywhere. No wonder! 18 tons of gold inside-out.Unbelievable. But somehow the spiritual ecstasy is lacking. May be because the smell of the air is commercial.But its beautiful and golden , the Narayani goddess looks rich and even more beautiful. What strikes me is that because we have taken special "Divya darshana" we are allowed to go further close to the Goddess! That makes me feel-sick. Inequality everywhere!

So we take the darshan and walk again to complete the star pathway to come out of the temple . On the way back I am feeling strange. People I see are so filled with devotion, there are crippled and handicapped people being brought here on their wheelchairs . So much of devotion! Yet, I don't quite feel it !

We enter a big hall right before the exit and we are systematically one by one given with "tirtha", "prasada" " kumkum- which the lady puts on every forehead herself" and finally the "bhaat- prasadam" which tastes good. The hall is filled with photos and idols of the Goddess and "Sri sakti Amma". Finally , us poor souls , sunburnt and frustrated by walking, that too bare foot, get to the car , meanwhile eating the "ice candies" from the road side stall. My jeeju remarks sarcastically - felt like a car-festival ending with ice candies . The watery ice candy feels like "panchamruta", I add on . Well, the jokes continue and we laugh our heart out.

I and my sis doze off while my jeeju drives super fast to reach home in 3 hours , at around 9 pm.

Shock of the day: I finally discover in the night, through the book that I purchased in the temple - lets call it - temple manuel :P that "Sri Amma" is said to be Narayani Devi's incarnation , and is presently 32 years of age, does numerous pooja's daily in the temple and does wonders which demonstrate his divinity, has set up charity foundations , helps poor and crippled and is therefore someone like Sai Baba. So thats the shock of the day

Surprise of the day : Was that nobody offered coconut in the temple ! The custom to give the prasada through the coconut offered to the God is surprisingly not there at all.

Realisation of the day: After reading the temple-manual ( as I put it) I feel, the reason for the temple-committe to come up with the idea of "divya darshana" may well be to stop the local people , the huge mob to daily create troublesome conjestion in the immediate front of the temple , as it is understood that the divine exists in the temple. May be! hmmmm...

The moment of the day : but was when we entered Vellore and asked for the directions to Golden temple with a local fellow. The poor guy explained so much with enthusiasm for minutes together and then my jeeju says - Tamil Tereyadu, meaning ,we dont understand Tamil ! Plain silence and then laughter ! The man laughs too ! A little embarrassed, but all of us just laugh on . God ! That was the moment of the day. Will remember it for a looong time. Tereyadu! Haha.. one of the very few tamil words which my jeeju knew! Which my sis and I knew as well, accidentally , to give us those bursting moments !

PS: the pics are from the temple-manual, so forgive the clarity. In order - 1) Sri Sakti Amma 2) the star pathway 3) golden temple front view 4) side view 5) the outer ring around the temple, the pool is visible as well

YANA- a pilgrim center

I don’t quite come to understand how I have responded to the temple-calling in this vacation. Three different temples in three days! Must be some religious joke! But then the truth is that the only 3 times I have set my foot out of my house in some 25 odd days has been to these three temples namely- mugva subramanya, indgunji and then lastly to yana ,day before yesterday. So I remove the bhadaas of staying home, and in what hurry! Of these the last one to Yana has been quite an experience. After performing ganahoma in Idgunji on Monday, a tired me just peeps into my gmail before going to bed only to get pinged by my friend asking me out for the trip and I am instantly “ok”. While my parents are happily sleeping unaware of my just planned adventure trip I already sulk, with the foresight of my dad’s eyes going insanely red in the morning light at my sudden idea of the pilgrimage (the way I plan to put it as :) ).

That my foresight never goes wrong was upheld yet again Tuesday morning and dramatically too, has to be only mentioned and not detailed, for some things should rest only in memories. Thus as destined the 3 of us Madhu, his friend sachin and me went to the holy place of Lord Shiva- YANA .

Only just now did I see the pictures of our trip in my friends orkut account. Though the images elated me and my lips stretched to show my teeth to the laptop screen, I felt the pictures didn’t quite tell the story of our trip, and importantly of Yana. And so I write here about this magnificent place located amidst the forest of the evergreen Sahyadri and not so much so about me and my friends and our experience encompassing so many little beautiful moments because to match them with words I believe is not my cup of tea.

“Sokkiddare yana, rokkaviddare gokarna” is a Kannada saying meaning – if you have the temerity travel Yana, if you have money go gokarna”. And this is how my father had mocked at my idea on the tuesday morning and rightly so, I feel now, for it is foolish to travel through the jungle of Western Ghats by walk on the lean curvy uphill road for not less than 2-3 kilometers , and that too in the rainy season which is all the more dangerous. But then I don’t regret our trip, not for a single moment, for it gave an experience which most people who have visited Yana might not have had. Though I had visited it already once in my school days with family I had not imagined that it could have been so risky and different in rainy season. And plus, we had taken the bikes. We rode some 30-32 kilometers may be , the last few through violent muddy roads which at places was waterlogged so much so that the tires got struck into the soft slippery soil beneath the water and we had to do some difficult exercise to pull through these places. And after a point from where the roads became impossible for the bikes we had to leave the bikes in a deserted shed and walk, rather trek (had to bend past a fallen tree as well) which toiled us, made us sweat even as it drizzled. But it was may be the best time of the trip where I enjoyed the most, as we exchanged views and spoke about history of different religious and scenic places , about religion and astrology( on our way back), though careful every moment about the poisonous species which were but common in the jungles of these ghats. Clicking the pictures, we walked across the jharnas which overflowed onto the crude roads (washed our dirty legs as well there), which trickle down the rocks to mingle and form a small river “Chandika hole” flowing into the Aghanashini river. We then reached the ganesha temple from where we could get the sight of a beautiful huge blackish rock called MOHINI SHIKHARA, one of the 2 famous rocks of yana, about 90 meters tall, to go past which we had to climb some 30 plus steps may be, finally reaching the BHAIRAVESHVARA SHIKHARA, the tallest rock roughly 120 meters from its base, where lies the temple cave. Though I faintly remember the place it looks very different with the deserted hut like shops which I remember were very active providing people with refreshments and eatables. We also discover that there is a road from Sirsi (40 kilometers from Sirsi) as well to yana, wherein vehicles can come to the vicinity of the temple and is therefore not tiresome at all. Another expected discovery is that we are the only visitors in the temple and how the pujari is delighted to see us!

The two rocks are nothing less than majestic, and mysterious too, as though they are telling a hard-to-comprehend story. There are so many animal like faces on the rocks, shapes resembling human faces, ear, eyes, intriguing indeed! The rocks seem to be made up of black crystalline limestone, roughened by incessant rains and sunlight from times unknown. The mohini shikhara is relatively much narrower than the Bhairaveshwara shikhara. I remember going inside the mohini shikhara in the last visit, but it is impossible to go there in this season of monsoons with all kinds of wild bees and creatures dwelling inside the rock. My friend asks – what if the rock decides to fall! The reply comes from the other one- not today, for we are here!

The Ganga Chandika Bhairaveshvara temple- The pujari gives us brief information about the temple and its history. This place is special not only because of the breath-taking rocks, but also because it remains as the only Shiva temple where there is no “Ishwar Ling”. There is a small natural cave measuring about 3 meters through the shikhara and at the end of the cave, on the body of the rock a region of the shape of “Ishwar Ling” shines as though oil is applied over it. Actually the rock itself is of such shiny nature, the outline of which is of the shape of Ishwar Ling. Stranger still is the fact that a drop of water continuously trickles down the rock right over the top head of the “Ishwar ling” constantly without any change in the quantity (which is just a drop) in all seasons –winter, rainy and summer. This is regarded as “ganga” over Lord Shiva’s head, rather “Gangodbhava”. Also on the top right side of the ling a shape clearly similar to a snake has emerged out of the rock which doesn’t seem to be carved out. This is also one of the very few temples where the Shiva-ling chaya or lets say any idol, is south-facing, which is why it is called “Ugra swarup” of Lord Shiva or “Bhairaveshwar” (I remember even Bhadrakali in Gokarna is south facing and so called “ugra swarupa” of goddess durga). The idol of Chandika is installed left to the Ishwar-ling chaya as it is not possible to worship Chandika in the Mohini shikhara due to wild bees and such troubles. Thus the name –“Ganga Chandika Bhairaweshvara temple”. There is a left curve running several meters at the end of the cave, the beginning of which is visible even to us from the front side, which ends with a door always closed, only opened for devotees during Shivaratri when they are allowed to see the Shiva-ling chaya at close. We wonder how old the temple is and we understand by the pujari that there is no record of the age of this temple, but the wooden carvings throughout the joining point edges of the walls and wooden ceiling and specially the four symbolics at the four corners (symbolic being elephant like ear and crocodile like face) indicate the entrance to the cave being built by the Kadambas who ruled this part of India in the 4 th century as my friend recollects. I remember seeing those symbolics in my school-trip visit, in the beautiful and artistic temples of Banavasi which was the capital of the Kadamba dynasty. Thus one can imagine the temple to be an ancient one.

The story behind the name – The name “Yana” is a recent one while it was called “Bhairav Kshetra” in the olden times. “Yana” in Kannada means travel, also vehicle, also way to knowledge. Since its been written in puranas that Rishees meditated in this place and acquired true knowledge and Ishwar , the name must have automatically come to this place. Also people from different parts took the trouble to travel to this place for the Shivaratri festival and answered the British officers – we are undertaking a yana, it is said to have got the name –Yana.

The mythological stories of Yana – Pleased with the penance of Bhasmasura,it is said that Lord Shiva granted him the power of reducing anyone to ashes, on whose head he would lay his hand. Bhasmasura tries to experiment by placing his head over Shiva himself. In order to save Shiva-Parvati, Lord Vishnu disguised as beautiful dancer Mohini makes Bhasmasura dance with her, making him keep his hand over his own head during the course of dance, thus reducing himself to ashes. Therefore Yana for about 2 kilometers around the temple is having black soil, in sharp contrast to red soil elsewhere in Uttara kannada district , which is believed to be due to the ashes of Bhasmasura

Another story is of Krishnaksh, who declares war with the Gods of heaven. The Gods then go to Lord Shiva’s refuge who takes a cruel avatara which the gods call – “Bhairav”. Krishnaksh runs away and hides inside Sahyadri hill. Agitated Bhairav kicks the mountain which separates Krishnaksh’s head and body. The King of Sahyadri, revered and dread after witnessing such a state of Shiva requests him to calm down and stay in Sahyadri for the welfare. The calmed Shiva decides to stay in Sahyadri mysteriously and becomes “aikya” inside ‘bhairaveshwar shikhara’ while Chandika becomes aikya inside “mohini shikhara” and the 59 “ganas” of Shiva become aikya in 59 small rocks. Thus there are totally 61 rocks in Yana, 2 being massive and other 59 being small ones.

There are many more stories which I would not touch upon, the 5 tirthas, the holy Chandika river etc. The scientists however say that the rocks were a result of volcanic eruptions and the black soil is the result of continues withering of the rocks, the wearing and crushing of small rocks and stones , after thousands of years and the subsequent settling down forming layers of black soil.

Whatever it is, the fragrance of spirituality is present in the air, simply because Yana is amidst nature, in the heart of the dense Western Ghats. The toil of the travel through the forest, the repose or tranquillity after reaching the beautiful Bhairaveshwara shikhara tripled by the aura of the temple cave gives an overwhelming feeling which I cannot even half explain. The reason why I chose to elucidate this pilgrim center out of so many temples which I have seen in Uttara Kannada is because of the fact that it is less spoken off and therefore less heard off, that the always crowded Murudeshwar and Gokarna where spirituality has lost its true meaning and shamefull commercialism flourishes never gave me such peace as this place did. When I folded my hands, with palms touching, standing in front of Shiva-ling chaya, doing the namaskara which means- my soul and your soul is one, I probably really meant it. I therefore feel that Yana is a true pilgrim center, uncommercial and close to nature, a little obscure and therefore sacred. I appreciate the decision taken many years ago by the authorities to let Yana be the way it is, untouched by commercialism, serene and pure.

We didn’t circle around the Bhairaveshavara shikhara as we were warned that it could be slippery and therefore dangerous. We then had our tiffin, then clicked some more pictures with and without rain as it grew and diminished. Finally the downpour happened continuously thus drenching us for the most part of our return journey. Well, the rain walk in this monsoon was anyways due. The rain ride definitely made up for the delay. Enjoyed to fullest (only how I could have done well to wear anything other than my white shirt. But then why worry, surf excel hai naa!!) :)

typical separational cry :)

As your memory I try and erase
In your need I succumb
Tears run down my face
Skin beneath goes numb
Oh, give me a break!
Remarks the pain
Eyelashes go dry
And it begins to rain.
I can’t see the stars
I can’t see the sky
The red of the mars
The birds and their fly
Oh, the clouds are so dense
That the birds hide in fear
The darkness shall only release
Near if you could come my dear.

Written: 11.30 pm 28-05-09

Well, felt like writing about something today, all day, not knowing what exactly to write, how to begin and how to end. And I desperately wanted the day to end to start writing. Its been a year now, exactly. 28th of May was the day.
Getting my microprocessor journal signed had driven me mad for the whole of yesterday and then I start preparing for my microwave lab internal, which finally went all well, today. So all I did yesterday after coming back from college was to try and remember how we conducted microwave lab throughout the semester. Though I didn’t remember much, I did enjoy the time remembering the fun we had in this lab.

It was drizzling then. As I moved out giving my HDL lab internal, I heaved a sigh of relief. I was hungry. I hadn’t eaten anything the whole day and it was almost 4 pm. I had to rush back to the room, pack and leave as fast as possible to Hubli and I knew I could well get stuck as it was overcast, thundering and about to rain. I ran like anything, thundered into the room past my friends, all happy and playing cricket as usual in the rain which had slowly grown and wet me. I packed my bag in a hurry and walked down the stairs. They were all so happy, my friends. It’s a different feeling to play when it rains. I waved at them looking into the rains as they shouted one by one - take care gaja- hog bale gaja-etc-bye le gaja…
I had to run again to the bus stop, luckily to catch the bus the instant I reached the stop. Sitting in the bus, as I cleared my lens my right eyebrow danced, not once but thrice. Suddenly I felt my brother will be all fine.

I woke up today with these pictures fresh in my eyes. I kept thinking why this dream all of a sudden, from nowhere, all the time as I got ready to go for my microwave lab internal. Well, I had to think about lot more other things and this thought slowly drifted away.

I had finished my microcontroller lab internal by around 4, it was Wednesday, 28 may 08. Must have been 5 pm when I was sitting in our owner’s house watching an IPL match. That was when I got the news. I knew the minute I heard her voice that something was wrong. My mother told me that he had seriously injured his leg, that there were multiple fractures, that he had lost litres of blood, and that his life was not in danger. The only good news was the last one. Though all this happened in the morning I was given the news at 5. I was outraged first but then I realised that it was for my good. I called them up, his sisters. It felt a little easy. I had another must-give HDL lab internal the next day .so I couldn’t go to see him right away. All evening I couldn’t study, neither did I call anybody. I felt it would be simply more upsetting to listen any more from my depressed mother, and I had this feeling that she was holding back from telling me in detail how serious it was. I don’t know when I slept away. Never in my life did I wake up voluntarily at 4 in the morning. I was surprised to see the open door, my roommate had obviously forgotten to latch it. I think god woke me up cos I had to study some 50 odd HDL programs by 1pm. My friend in the other room had also woken up and I joined him and without thinking much started with my programs. I had finished them all by 12 30 and then had rushed to the college. I had completely forgotten to eat.

I was not at all worried about my microwave lab, somehow we knew our madam would be lenient, plus it was not so difficult one too ,I mean the ones which we had performed properly. The only problem was that we hadn’t performed many of the experiments properly, had just noted down the values (from the girls obviously). And I intended to do the same even in the internal too as I knew that 2 persons will get the same expt. I only hoped the other one was a girl. As I filled the date of my internal sheet in the lab, it struck me. 28-may-09. It was the same day a year ago that he had met with an accident that took away his life. I was hurt, upset, may be that I completely forgot, and the dream, yes, how it had remembered the date. It was obvious that me being so poor with the dates had forgotten it. But yes, somewhere inside me was this conscience which didn’t forget, which tried to remind me through his dream.
I was troubled by an odd feeling the whole day. I couldn’t wait for the day to end. I felt it would have been only so good if I had never remembered. For then, this weird feeling would never originate. I wished not to hear any such terrible news today, again for it would be impossible to bear it out again. I kept on thinking how I had my lab internal again on the same date this time around as well, with another one to go tomorrow. I wished the coincidence to end with the internal dates only and nothing more. I am happy that this wish of mine has come true.
So, I waited for the night to come, hoping that nothing bad would happen so that I could then peacefully write.
I have 50 odd microprocessor programs to do now, yet, I am at peace. I think I have written enough for now. Also, I don’t believe the significance attached to the dancing eyebrows anymore.