Having lived in four distinctively different places over the
last decade for substantial amounts of time (Belgaum à Coimbatore à Stuttgart à Bangalore) I have come to believe that the only sense of
belonging I possess is towards my hometown. After all I’m a small town boy who
connects with himself when he is amidst nature. And my home rests on the lap of
nature! This growing belief comes from a deep introspection and a result of
looking inwards, a journey I embarked upon in late 2016.
2016 was the lowest point of my life. But I must say it was a roller coaster ride
until then. I always got what I wanted. Always won. I was too passionate about
my work and the things I wanted to do. Too much involved with my ambitions. Too
busy travelling around, seeing places. All the time failing as a social being. Letting
go of people and relationships that mattered. Not knowing that I was failing. I
lived my life at my own terms without knowing the cost I was paying. The way I
was at 26-27, it scares the hell out of me now! At 29 I know that winning is
nothing without people who matter. Living life on your own terms means nothing
at all. It is probably the most foolish things to do. And to think that one can
never fail. Well! Everyone fails. It is
a fact. I did not know how to accept it. How to accept life as it is! Until 2016
I had no time to look inwards. A lot of this is probably because I experienced
so many things between 21- 27. So many places, cultures, ideas. Sometimes one
needs to space out to let ideas stay. To make meaning of everything. To appreciate
life. And to understand the good things that happens and acknowledge success. These lines from one of my favourite songs probably sums up my state of mind at that time :
Kisi manzar par mein ruka nahi
kabhi khud se bhi mein mila nahi
yeh gila toh hai mein khafa nahi
By the end of 2016, it was clear to me that I was low and depressed ( not clinically). I needed help and most importantly self help. I had no love within me to give it to anyone else and falling out of love
affected me. I had put on loads of weight and kept my mind idle for way too
long thinking what next?
Sometimes there is no next. There is the present that must
be embraced.
In December 2016, I took a week long vacation and we went to
Goa for a few days. I could not even enjoy a single drink. That was probably
the tipping point. I knew I was completely down. From 2016 December started a
journey of self exploration. Of knowing and managing myself. I realised I
managed projects and people at work and life, but never gave a thought to
manage my own self. My needs and wishes. My ideas and thoughts!
And then running happened!
I always loved running. In school I would always be in top 3
when it came to short distance fast running. All through 2016 I kept seeing my
bro-in-law do the long distance runs in the weekend and come back home with
great joy and satisfaction. In a way I was inspired by him. I still remember I
couldn’t even do one kilometre on the first day. I had to stop because I couldn’t
control my breathing. But I did not give up. This trait of always winning and
being on the top of the game came handy here. I was humiliated by my own
pathetic fitness level, although the group who ran with me kept encouraging me and
made me feel this is normal. I realised that in order to run better I need to
first loosen my body. I started yoga every evening with my friend who did his
workout. Our home was also our gym. I would warm up every evening for 15mins,
then do my yoga for 15mins and then do some weights and then second set of warm
up to close. I had learnt Yoga in school and I did those 10-12 yogasanas
everyday and it improved my confidence during running!
By the 2nd week of Jan 2017 I could already do 5K run within
33 minutes. I had gained in confidence with every passing Sunday and my breath
control improved. Every time I would run I could feel my mind getting charged with
great influx of thoughts and ideas. Running is really a mental game. It is
physical only to a certain minimum percentage. I had already made up my mind that this is what
I need to do. Losing weight and staying healthy was just one aspect of wanting
to run. The biggest drive was a sense of purpose that running provided to me. Running
seemed like a key to unlock a world of thoughts and possibilities. Within weeks
I knew that I would only run more and better with time.
On Jan 22nd 2017 I did my first 10K run and it felt great.
Running would calm me down. It made me let go of all my ambitions, all disappointments.
It made me shed all expectations from my own self and others. I started living
in the moment and enjoying it. I did my first 10K marathon in Contours Womens day
run in Manyata Embassy techpark in March. From then onwards started a continuous
journey of glorious running. I did several 10K runs in several locations in
Bangalore. And then in October I did my first half marathon inspite of cold and
fever. The highlight was also running in Coimbatore, a city I love so much. I
ran in my hometown on the streets where I grew up, on the beaches and on the
banks of rivers. Every run has been unique triggering a chain of thoughts, looking
back at all the things that have happened good or bad, helping me to know myself
better.
I shed 13 Kgs of weight in 2017 and have been able to
maintain my weight consistently. I lost almost 8-9 Kgs in a matter of 3 months
i.e by March 2017. Without really changing anything in the diet except for
controlling sugar intake and avoiding rice in the night I could achieve and
sustain weight loss by regular and religious running. Shedding weight is also
not an easy thing. It comes with its own set of complexities. To name a few - managing
oversized clothes , feeling low on energy at times , getting running postures
and techniques right to avoid injuries , managing hair loss which is sometimes
a direct result of weight loss, improving bone strength and adjusting sleep cycle
before the runs . I learnt that one must be receptive to all the changes that
happen to the body and react quickly when required. I improved my nutrition
levels. In order to maintain good protein
levels for the bones and hair I would regularly eat eggs/chicken. I consumed lot
of green vegetables and fruits, a variety of lentils. I increased my water
intake to keep my body well hydrated. I consumed a lot of nuts and dry fruits
to boost my energy levels.
I had a great passion for writing which had slipped out of
my life years back when I vowed to never write for some silly stupid reason. I
was so young and so foolish then. I realised that this was a big mistake and I must
correct it. No point in putting chains to a natural skill. Being a bit of an
introvert I think writing comes naturally to me. I felt I must explore it as
much as I can. I started writing again and find it very comforting now. I want to write more as it gives an opportunity
to be more expressive, improve the overall personality, provides a channel for
different views, criticism and suggestions. Having been out of touch for so many years I
sure need to do a lot of catching up, write better, write big!
Things worked for me in 2017 and I made a comeback and
embraced life the way it is. But 2017 was in no way an easy year. It was full
of setbacks and difficulties. However I have been able to keep my calm, be
positive and most importantly be happy. I was able to accept the setbacks and
see them as opportunities. I think this is a very difficult thing to do and
needs a lot of mental strength. The last day of 2017 presented a new adversity.
My father had a heart attack and our worlds spun upside down. A glorious year
of running had probably prepared me to face this situation. Two months into
2018 I’m still dealing with the impact of this event but running has kept me
going, kept me positive and filled me with hope. There is a sense of
satisfaction of doing every possible thing and this keeps me going .Sometimes
you become a father even before you have a child. I guess me and my sister were
already parents to my father but now we have accepted this parenthood with
complete love and commitment. My father is doing better with God's grace (if
there is a God). Going forward I do
think 2018 can only get better!
2017 helped me develop a deep love for running and it comes
from a place of just wanting to run and be free from within. I feel I’m
evolving as a person. I now have new dreams, hopes and ambitions but the difference
is an understanding that not being able to fulfil your dreams and wishes is
still ok and won’t end the world. I’m excited about them but I am also very
calm. I will go forth and achieve some. I will also fail and be hurt. I will be
proud of myself and I will also regret certain decisions. But I have realised
that it is humanly not possible to lead a life of no regrets. Regrets are
important because without regret there is no hope. Without regret there is no
understanding of joy. At the end of the day we sleep with regret only to get up
with hope.
One of those new dreams is to run better, run more. Bless
me!
I let my skin
strip
its own rind
and
choose a new wear.
it chose thin air.
* 2017 - A year if glorious running and shedding weight (
Body and Mind) *
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