Water

We are like flowing water. We keep taking different forms. For an onlooker we may be a river. Or an ocean. Or a waterfall or even a dirty pond.
Someone may want to believe that a roaring waterfall is a free spirited spectacle, but the water itself may be hurting as it crashes down the mountain onto the rock. Someone may turn ecstetic listening to the music of a stream, but the stream may be silently enduring the fatigue from its unending journey. One may not want to stamp over the roadside filthy water while the same water may be content and happy that it is left unperturbed. Ripples on a silent pond are so pleasing to ones eyes but the pond could be simply venting its displeasure at being disturbed by a stone.
Such is the nature of our existence! Our actions may not always be suggestive of our intentions. We may not always be what one thinks we are!

the chain

this feeling
that the night is sleeping
within my chest
this feeling
that I'am awake all the time
hovering over one decision
to another
heartbeats going up and down
its lullaby
is what the night has grown
to love.
and when it sleeps in peace
I am living one decision at a time.
for life is such a wreck
so many decisions to check
understand this chain-
decisions are the wheels
that moves our lives
and no true effort goes in vain
a decision to step back
or a decision to move forward
as much we lose we gain.
joy or strife
happiness or bereavement
no decision no movement
no life

the hard reward

do not whisk your memories
to some foreign lands.
keep them in your breath
alive.
shake away
the dust of time.
bear the ache of their scent
bear the jerking
you will need their fragrance
one day
when you are no longer hurting

The beauty construct

let mascara wear the dust

pretty face isn't a must

if your skin turns to rust

tell me baby is it just

that I no longer love you

should I no longer love you?

won't I look into your eyes

if you don't apply the kohl

won't I kiss you down your cheek

don't be bothered by your mole

would it matter anymore?

tell me baby how'd it score?

when the sun goes combust

and the night kills the moon

how's the gloss on your lips

what's the size of your hips

would it matter anymore?

tell me baby how'd it score?

for love is faith love is work

not fashion or a dream

when we go to the Arctic bay

and you forget your body cream

would I no longer love you?

should I no longer love you?

colour your heart in red

no lipstick instead

beauty isn't what you wear

it's what you are instead

Crossroads

streaming vedios on the phone
driving nobly but alone
we decided to not call it a name
changing weathers in our skin
holy crimes are never sin
we decided to not call it a name

because love isn't just a name
could never be a part of this game

flying demons in our head
killing life inside the dead
we decided to not call it a name
we had only shared a kiss
not something that we would miss
we decided to not call it a name

because love isn't just a name
there ain't any time left to blame

music's still alive
let's make amend
no misery no fame
it's just a bend
let's turn around
and everything's the same

what's right what's wrong
what's left what's gone
let's start again
let's wait let's see
when the storm is gone
will the flame remain

we'll know it soon enough
if love isn't just a name
we'll know it soon enough.

Wish me Goodbye

didn't you sneak into my dreams
you've known its hiding all along
didn't you read the many signs
you've watched me all along
don't be surprised
and don't you lie
for I'll soon be gone
won't you come say goodbye?

you've been at my world's end
don't you think I've done enough harm
I've been meaning to be gone
if only I could let you leap outta my arm
so when I'll be gone
won't you come and see me by?
I swear I wouldn't cry
won't you come say goodbye?

and if you do
I'll write you a song
and if you do
I'll sing you a song
won't you come and see me by
won't you come say goodbye?

all your kisses in my piggy bank
you'd see how they rank
all your presents wrapped in my chest
you'd know which one's my best
only if you come and see me by
won't you come say goodbye?

when the bridges fall
you'll have my song in your heart
when the heavens roll
I'll still be there in your heart 
when I'm gone through the dust
let it settle if it must
I'll be back if you need me
even if the roads lay destroyed
but baby let me try
won't you come say goodbye?

Flashback - to Childhood

this is flood
gushing out of my hands
blame these pictures
the culprits!
breaking riot in my memory store
moments drip down hurriedly
like slender threads
piercing shoulders
jets of letters beaded into
words spill out of my
fingers in streams
meaning no destruction
a mere search for an eye
to enter in and be
won't you take them in and see?

The unending

half autumn half winter
half happy half sad
do not know which half
is driving me mad
nothing's good
nothing's bad
if only one could find this missing half
wouldn't one be glad?
this is just a bend
real stories never end

Conversation with nature

If you break an ocean into two
each will find its way through
back into
one another.
I am you
you are me
we are on our way to being one.

30

wild 20
tired 40?
ask me to choose
and I'll say 30
the age to be
content and on fire
sane energies and desire
memories to sleep with
motivation to rise
serve the cocktail
of wisdom and charm
30 is an ocean wave
bustling and calm

immigrant

i
left
my war-torn country
crossing borders
hoping to save
my withering destiny.
a refugee
wanting a new life
or just life!
a home
where my wife and sons live today.
i learnt a lesson
a message to the world
if it cares to listen:
people are different and still the same
wanting the same things-
food love home
four walls do not define a home
homeland is not always home
for when 16 years later
I saw my country again
I found out it had left me too.
I stood as an immigrant
in my country of birth
wanting to be back home
to my family my country.

- based on the story of my Iranian friend/colleague who came to Germany as a refugee in 1982.

bleed and heal

time passed
and i knit together
the many truths of my existence
making a wear for this heart.
slowly
the wear became invisible
and one with the heart.
moving on
to the new times
land and sky
some of those strands in there
were a lie
i already knew.
unraveling them meant
curfew
bloodshed
i chose impure heart
instead.
but what i did not know
up until this new reveal
the truth of all truths that is-
the heart must always
bleed and heal.

An unforgettable episode of my life

The Deviramma Temple in Chikmagalur signals an episode of my life I can never forget. After a deeply satisfying year end vacation in Chikmagalur during the last week of December 2017 we ( me and my sister's family) headed back to Bangalore, not before making a final stop at the Deviramma Temple. This was not a part of  our plan though, and we would never know of this temple if not for the lady at the homestay who not only mentioned about the temple but also praised it with the grandest of words.

I for one, never pray to God. I have never had the habit of visiting temples. Obviously I wasn't enthusiastic about this idea. Somehow temples have never been the place where I could find devotion. Not to say that I'am an atheist. I do believe in the existence of a certain power but I could never fold my hands and pray to a temple God. This lack of devotion could probably be due to the fact that most  of my school summer holidays  were spent in the temple town Gokarna, closely witnessing the workings of the temples. As a  young brahmachari the everyday summer mornings were spent walking around the temple town barefoot, pouring waters to the idols at the Bhadrakali, Ganesha temple and the Ishwar linga of the famous Mahabaleshwara temple. I clearly remember the Friday's at the Bhadrakali Temple, my mother's birthplace. My maternal uncle holds the responsibility of running the temple for a year once in ever 7 years. On Friday's there used to be a special Panchamruta Abhisheka followed by the bathing and cleaning of the Goddess Idol and the daunting task of Alankara - tying the special saree around the Devi and placing the delicate and precious ornaments over the Goddess. As a young boy decorating Bhadrakali with her many glorious ornaments, giving the thertha prasada to the devotees, seeing the mindless and crazy beliefs of all kinds of people, witnessing this whole mediator business of the priests much more of such experiences made me quite cynical about our well established belief systems, the religious practises and the interpretation of religion itself. And the Navaratri's - Well! those nine nights were a world on their own. Words cannot match the craziness that would be out on display during those nights. Bhadrakali being the Grama Devi of Gokarna meant that the entire town would visit the temple during those nights. The resulting scenes bizzarre! I would obviously bug my mother with hundreds of questions about various things ranging from the customs to beliefs to the current practises and the so called legends of Bhadrakali. My mother had no conclusive answers but she tried her best each time. At the end we would both agree to disagree but  as I grew up my mother knew that I never really prayed to the temple God although I folded my hands in front of the idol. Therefore needless to say  I was not excited about visiting the Deviramma Temple, but the lady at the homestay persuaded us. And so we decided to give it a shot, if not for the prayers but for the views that it promised to offer.

Much to my surprise I could feel certain energy as I entered the premises of the Deviramma temple. The kerala style Temple sat on a wide open space with the backdrop of the picturesque and the magnificent  Deviramma Betta. The simple yet different architecture, the open space, the cool breeze and the beautiful mountain view, all put together was a treat to the eyes and certainly elated us as we didn't  expect anything like this for a temple. In short the Deviramma Temple was a quiet little Gem, a unique and an interesting place. As I approached the Goddess I could feel a certain vibe, a kind of a bliss and a rare devotion evoked within me. Can't remember the last time I had felt this way. There was a sudden urge within me to fold my hands and pray. They say you should never share what you pray! Since I am a bit of a rule breaker in these matters anyway , I must confess my prayers - I prayed for the good health of my Father. It was an instant thing. I didn't even think about it.  Just prayed.

In a matter of 3 days since the visit to the Deviramma Temple, my Father had a heart attack. It was the night before the last day of 2017. A memorable year except for this ultimate day which couldn't have been more disastrous. My father was not a diabetic, his cholesterols were in control and he only had a slightly high BP since a year. So how could this even happen to him? We could not believe it and we kept thinking it must not be that! Nevertheless it was that and it did happen to him!

I still remember the panic that had struck me when I first heard the news that night. Sitting on the bed in my flat and trying to book the flight tickets I realised I was shivering. We had some immediate decisions to make, some question marks and a lot of doubts. And my feet wasn't even moving. My best friend and my roommate not only helped me book the flight tickets online, before I left he also gave me the best piece of advice ever. He said - I lost my father to a heart attack . When I heard the news my father was already dead. I could do nothing. However as we speak your father is still alive and as long as he is alive you must do everything you can to save him. The decisions you take for your father in the next few hours will not only decide your father's fate but in many ways also yours. So be brave. Be as calm as you can. Think through your decisions and you will only do the right things!

All through that night when my mother carried my father in the ambulance from home to Manipal, I along with my sister waiting at the airport, boarding the flight to Mangalore and then the taxi drive to Manipal - all the while we just kept praying to God. By then we had already made some decisions, we needed some luck. We hoped and prayed to God that he survives the distance. He did! 

When we entered the hospital , we first prayed to the Ganesha idol. I kept praying everyday till my father was discharged. In the end I must say we also did the right things, took the right decisions and everything worked out just in time for us. My father was discharged in 3 days, and its been over six months now already. He has done well uptill now and is doing just fine, touchwood!

If I look back now, I can't quite understand what this whole episode was trying to tell me with respect to my beliefs about prayers and temple God's and idol worships. Why did I suddenly pray to the temple God? Is there someone who hears our prayers ? If yes, the first time I prayed and it just went all wrong! Why? But what if the power of these prayers saved my father? The more I try to make some conclusions the more confusing it gets.  At the end I really don't know what to make of all this. Probably when I am older and hopefully wiser it would make better sense to me maybe. For now I can only say I know the meaning of fear much better than before, something I thought I already knew when I had lost my brother a decade back. And one thing is for sure - I will never forget this episode ever!

The true lovers

Ocean waves are the most loyal lovers in this world. A wave is so deeply in love with the idea of finding a shore that no matter how many times it is sent back it still returns to the shoreline eager to kiss and embrace the shore. The shore could be different each time, but the intention of the wave remains the same. To me nothing is more beautiful that this hope!

A wave teaches us how to be a true lover and how to exit with grace, yet keep the hope within us alive.

Moving on

what happens when you
keep living your dream?
living it endlessly
seems to be
a dangerous dangerous thing
for it tears you apart
and fills you up
with a certain fatigue
burining out the life within.
But.
before you fully dissolve,
you must let those hovering clouds
floating beneath the sun
rain-
water down the fire,
you must let those new dreams
peaking over the horizon
dawn-
light new desire.
this way
you know
when to break away
for no dream is final
and no dream must stay.

The theory about recognizing your soulmate

This thought or let’s say this ‘theory’ has been doing the rounds in my mind from quite some time now. Infact from a couple of years I must say. Finally, after much cross questioning myself I have come to a temporary conclusion -

In your entire lifetime you will have the chance to meet your true soulmate/s two or maximum three times only! If you recognize that person the very first time, you can consider yourself luckyJ. If you recognize that person the second time around, you can be proud of yourself for the rest of your life *Pat your back*. And if you manage to recognize the person the third time (if there is a third time ofcourse), then you can consider yourself very lucky and at the same time be very proud of yourself too!

At this point and before going any further let me say -if you have never tried to find a true soulmate, you have probably chosen a very different path for yourself which is well beyond the material happiness normal people look for. I will not dwell on that aspect here. Let us consider that you have actually tried finding your true soulmate. In this context what does it mean if you failed to recognize your soulmate the very first time? For me, it simply means that you were not in touch with your ego. To recognise that one true friend- this is probably the only life skill which no one can ever teach you. You can only learn it if you are in constant touch with your ego - your strictest judge, your best teacher.

Now, once you miss that first chance, what next? How do you prepare for the second opportunity? For me, again, the only way to be prepared for the second chance is to recognise that you missed the first chance in the first place. But you will never recognise you already missed one, if you do not look back and introspect. However, I believe it is not enough to just recognise the missed chance. It is equally important to regret it and truly accept that you made a mistake. Only when you understand the meaning of regret can you stay oncourse with your real purpose.

Regret in its true sense is the beginning of a journey to retribution.  A mirror to your Ego which you failed to see and respect before. It is a seed of hope. Only when there is an earnest hope is there a total determination to endure the wait. To be patient and seize the next opportunity no matter how long it takes. When you do not regret in its true positive sense you never attempt to  change. And therefore you never really learn for your mistakes. You continue to commit the same mistakes again!

I must say again that I have only drawn a temporary conclusion. Temporary, with respect to the numbers. Because I do not know if I’m old enough to be sure about the number of chances that one gets. Only three? Maybe even four? Who knows!

PS: Don’t ask me where I stand in my personal count ;)

Crude Poison

a lie is a lie
even if it is sweet.
specially
if you are on a truth-only diet
and your blood is replete
with more sugars than water
drinking a sweet lie
can be
dangerously costly.
all the sugary toppings,
every little calorie
over a base
you already despise
makes it even more unsavory.
a sweet lie
is simply
poison in making.

fortitude

there must be a common place
where
the cells of my head and heart
originate.
help me locate.
otherwise
testify
come justify
how this heart beats an emotion
and the mind writes the same?
and when I wear
the same cells over my skin
I'am written off
as a silly emotional thing.
now I lay
resigned to the view
that no one wears these cells
like I do.

about uncertainty

to know
the next moment
is to know
the truth of the universe.
to know the end-
isn't it
worse
than living a disease?
to hate
uncertainty
is to hate
life itself
because
wanting to know
is awefully different
to being curious;
nothing
is really worth knowing
when
death is the only thing certain.

exhale

do not close the door
when you cry
do not be shy
when you cry
keep open the door
for trapping your screams
within the walls
can hurt you all the more.
never know
how much crying is enough
but know :
once you pull a pain out of your stomach
it must never come back to find you.

- share

City

It is insane how people travel long distances everyday in this big bustling city. And I am one among them! Insane by birth but validated finally after coming to Bangalore ;).
Among many other things this city has taught me patience. My highly volatile and impatient mind is slowly but surely learning to slow down. I can now park my thoughts and then resume. What can you do afterall when the signal resumes? You have to park your thoughts as you start your car back again. Like how right now I am writing this piece between traffic jams ;).
Everyday commuting over considerable distances somehow makes you take cognizance of the higher meaning of living and the journey of life itself. For you see it yourself everyday that it takes a lot of more than just time to reach your destination! In my opinion this is symbolic of our life journey. There is an art of living and then there is an art of living in a big city. And to quote Thomas Merton, this is exactly the kind of art that enables us to find ourselves and lose ourselves at the same time :)

the rain analogy

i do not write
i rain
sometimes thick slow
sometimes light low.
those
who have their hearts in their head
find connection
those
who are drenched by the downpour
call it destruction
for some
just a passing shower
for some
an alarm to break the hibernation
some dispute
take objection
some escape
find protection
and this is how for them
i cease to rain.
although, i refrain
and i'am never game
for discriminations
how you see
i rain differently
on different persons.

drift

wars won
worlds lost
unkempt friendships
breaking rift
rueful nights
go dwindling by
into the mornings
i drift

the dream

the flower on your hair

has robbed my nights of its sleep

when i need to follow the fragrance

i sit here and weep

how can i say

where it would lead.

a dream taking 

the colour of desire

is the beginning

of a long walk on fire

makes me believe

it should lead somewhere

and I must leave everything

be out there,

looking for you!

you must be someone!

you could be anyone!

but this way

even if you turn out

to be no one

i will be content

that it was just a flower

seen and unseen!

and to the world at worst

it will remain to be a pity

that a flower smoked my dream

and robbed my nights of its sleep

lateral education

there is nothing
more stunning
than a stunning pain.
there is no one
more powerful
than the one
who inflicted upon you
that pain.
study him/her.
study his/her circumstances.
this is how you will know
how to be/deal.

- sound education

farewell

of all the stories
under the sun
the one
between us
that has just begun
i want to make sure
i like the way this ends

I'am all you

with age
your fragrance only grew.
when a long day ends
I come back home to your fragrance.
how you find ways
to transport
that aroma from my first home!
this is what keeps
my soul awake in sleep
my night brighter than the moon
living through wars within my heart
while your sweet balm dispels pain
night after night
I'am ready for a new war everyday
wearing your everlasting bloom.
if not for you
my mother of two
my life would reek of war room,
this soft scent
spilling out of my heart
is what you gave me in your womb.

- to mother

overflow

this may take some time.
to love less
overnight, isn't easy
unless
love could be simply tamed.
someone taught me
and I learnt it only one way
if there's too much love to handle
need I say
I shouldn't be blamed.
and if I bleed love
it isn't my fault
one must understand
love isn't the kind of blood
that can be contained.
so this may take some time
this overflowing stream
to find its river
floods should always clear
even if their terrors remained.

The bridge

some understood
the distance between hearts
they started building a bridge.
for some
the bridge never got built
they left.
some lay
over the completed
bridge but faltered
on their way.
some crossed
reached the other side
while I was already away
busy building one myself.
what can I say!
at the end of the day
we're only left with questions to check:
isn't this construction work
a never ending wreck?
but then
can someone
find me another way
or tell me if I should look behind
look ahead
or simply look away.

war on memory

if the world is forgetting
its yesterdays
should we still believe
in the theory of remembrance?
we are the dying!
should we be dead already
breathing air into
the memory box
keeping alive
what should have been long gone.
I feel the waters
on my skin
same old
age old
feeling.
if I commit
the sin
of erasing
everything
how novel
it would have been?
these waters
on my skin!

gesture

I am your friend
will you be my friend
too
if I know you
would you know me
too
you know it shouldn't start this way
and friendship doesn't need
agreement
but if this is your say
I understand how this can be
convenient
and so we must advance
give ourselves a chance?
here, this is my gesture
would you give a sign
too?

between silences

entangled i
in a web of words
a million things left to say
yet no enough words!
at the end of the day
is it then
important to say?
maybe not!
but wonder i
make why
the same mistake
as in the past?
be why
so meek and frail?
but still at last
i sit and glare
at the question in contrast-
if the struggle is in the articulation
shouldn't silence prevail?
maybe not!
a soft whisper
of the winters setting in my heart
makes me wake up
from the slumber of foresty thoughts,
breathing these husky undertones
onto my ears-
if you cannot match your words
to the beat of your heart
you must know
you are singing the wrong song.

***
It is imperative to learn the art of articulation,
either in silence or otherwise

***

improbable

the idea
of a perfect date
like
the idea
of a second heart.
if only
the chest built some space
if only
the moon asked me out

patience

there are no two ways to live

no two ways to love.

in the beginning

there can be many possibilities

like how you quilt your words 

in poetry

but

in the end

you're left with only one!

do not roam.

understand?

put your weight

where you stand.

eventually,

the product of your wait

will take you home.

Compliment

if you lose
the smile on your face
it could be
the moon lost its light.
our distant worlds
would be blinded off course
such could be the plight!
words would then flee
a poet's nest
searching for that sight
when sunbeams reach
the moon again
beaming your slender-slim
face upright.
if you lose
the smile on your face
it could be
the moon lost its light.

Sojourn

I tried to burn some memories once
but skeletons of it remained
little did I know
they were here
buried beneath the water bed
next to the ocean.
today I dipped my thoughts
in these quite rippling waters
there was gravity
her voice
pulling me with ease
and when I saw her eyes
confounded
grabbing my thoughts by the neck
I was out in a flash.
was it her bone?
can flesh be forged out of ash?
could she stay in there
all this time all alone?
the mind is pricked by questions
from this brief sojourn
I longed to stay longer
only to long alone

till then.

what memories do to us!
transporting warmth
head to heart
makes me walk barefoot
on a cold rainy night
there's nothing much I can say
till Sun finds us one day
hold on to the memories that stay
and the memories we've gained.
we are the two streams
seemingly
on a journey to oblivion
but like a zero
we shall meet
when our journeys are complete
and there's nothing much I can say
till we run into love one day
finding each other again.

risk is essential

risk is essential.
for art-creation
growth-improvisation
for a relationship to
flourish and prosper
for self-discovery of
your uniqueness
your journeys outward and inward
no calculation
no arithmetic
just risk!
and when it beckons you
through the front gate
all the time
however inappropriate
be deferential
be considerate
and know that risk is essential.

Chaotic order

walking backwards
eyes gazing at the seamless
commingling
of the land and sky.
isn't this the method?
a sure way of moving forward
back and forth
setting order
and letting the instincts roll
entropy breaking free
shouldn't that be the goal?
if you observe closely enough
nature is a calculated extempore

test

the peak summer will test you
do not look down
face the scorching
face the sun
even if you sweat blood
do not settle
untill you cross the bridge
be fierce be tender
in pain
because when the season ends
and you find love
in rain
you must let the water
run down your eyes
and love back.
till then is the waiting
bottling time
and drinking it in turns
till then is the seeking.

arrival

they matter.
every lost dream
every forgotten desire
every broken ambition
every fallen passion
they all matter.
because they are still in the air.
years are seasons
seasons repeat themselves
even if they are not the same ever
seasons never bid goodbye forever.
and now is the season of reconciliation
and the air is coming back into my lungs.
i will pick up the fallen passion
i will mend the broken ambition
i will remember all those desires
i will find the meandering dreams
because the season of flight is coming.

unloving

when I first saw you
there was a semblance 
of me
within you.
who can say
how these notions of love
spring
out of nowhere.
as days passed
it so came to be
that I'am mountain
and you are sea.
and so
unloving becomes easier
for one likes the reflection
only when the waters are clear.

Offer

if you gesture
i will filter out
salt from my voice
and send you
honey-like words.
remember
when you turned away
i had to drink
pearls
spilling out of my eyes.
yet
i know
you and me
and everyone
deserves a second chance.

Silent storm

these deafening silences.
these incessant
violent
screaming silences.
tell me
how do we stop
bleeding silences
unless
we locate the rupture.
unless
we speak.

Our Cook - Didi :)

Yesterday afternoon my friend/roommate sent me a whatsapp  message. It was a recorded conversation between our cook ( we call her Didi) and my friend.Thanks to the auto call record option which my friend always keeps enabled in his phone. Inspite on being in office I played it because I knew there should be something about this message.It turned out to be a mindblowing conversation and left me deeply affected for the rest of the evening.

For a week and a half , we have had no vegetables ( Sabzi) at home. There would be text messages from Didi everyday reminding us of empty fridge ! And in the mornings if she found any of us awake while preparing breakfast for us she would say- Sabzi bilkul nahi hai , please laa do aaj. She had  somehow managed to feed us for all this time out of sheer creativity.
On a lighter note, she seems to have developed a knack of making food out of nothing over the years, thanks to us! But clearly she had lost it this time !

No wonder she decided to make this phone call and gives us a piece of her mind .She  asked just one question to my friend -
Why do you work ?  Don't you work because you want to feed your stomach ? If you say I will bring sazbi myself from now on !
Clearly my friend had no words. He was stunned and stumped. I was too!

We have known Didi from 3+ years now and we know the kind of difficulties she faces everyday. With a good for nothing husband and a school going kid , her life moves only if she works. We know that she finds us very different compared to all other houses she goes for work. We never complain. Never demand. She prepares whatever she wants. We are always more than happy to eat anything she makes. And if we don't like something , she knows it when she cleans the dishes next day. We know that we are the first ones whom she asks money if she is in need. We have developed a certain trust and goodwill and a strange kind of  bond over the years.. There is an unspoken understanding where she voluntarily makes up for any lapse from her side and we never question her for anything.

Yet it was heartwarming to hear that she would take up the task of  buying vegetables henceforth.
She cycles around the locality house after house, spends the whole day working and yet she said she would find extra time for us. She was genuinely concerned and we understood where it came from.Though it was heartening it was also heart breaking. Because somewhere we were deeply ashamed and embarrassed.We ask so many life questions to ourselves :
What do I want in life ?
What kind of relationship do I want?What am I looking for in a partner ?
What do I do next with my career ? Am I happy with my job?
What is my life's purpose?
All seemingly deep questions! But we still miss the fundamentals don't we ?

No question is as significant as this one - Why do you work ?
If you do not even have time to buy vegetables and eat nutritious, healthy and tasty food  , what is the whole point of earning money ?We are so busy that we dont even want to go out and enjoy a tasty meal. And we are perfectly Ok with our cook preparing a basic meal out of nothing and we don't even feel that we need to buy vegetables and eat better !

We lose out on life not because we are not asking questions or finding answers. But because we are not asking the basic simple questions !The answers are out there for us to see, if only we ask ourselves those seemingly easy but invisible questions!
And sometimes those questions come from people we least expect!

For todays dinner we have my favourite palak panner and bhindi . You see I love Palak and out of all the many vegetables and stuff we bought Didi knows what to make first!
Life is back at being good, thanks to Didi :)

Suppression

from days
i have been eating my words
for lunch
for dinner
to my stomach's content.
this way
i can now say
you only cultivate worms
that creep up the veins
that quenches thirst
biting blood no less
slowly
heart becomes a festering abscess
while tongue reeks of pain.

Surrender

it is best
i withdraw
my hands
from my already-yours heart.
it is lost
tangled somewhere
deep within
the curls of your hair
careful
beware
don't tear apart
untangle
indulge
impart
come, make it your art

#undoing

2017 - An account of glorious running and shedding weight ( Body and Mind )

Having lived in four distinctively different places over the last decade for substantial amounts of time (Belgaum à Coimbatore à Stuttgart à Bangalore)  I have come to believe that the only sense of belonging I possess is towards my hometown. After all I’m a small town boy who connects with himself when he is amidst nature. And my home rests on the lap of nature! This growing belief comes from a deep introspection and a result of looking inwards, a journey I embarked upon in late 2016.

2016 was the lowest point of my life.  But I must say it was a roller coaster ride until then. I always got what I wanted. Always won. I was too passionate about my work and the things I wanted to do. Too much involved with my ambitions. Too busy travelling around, seeing places. All the time failing as a social being. Letting go of people and relationships that mattered. Not knowing that I was failing. I lived my life at my own terms without knowing the cost I was paying. The way I was at 26-27, it scares the hell out of me now! At 29 I know that winning is nothing without people who matter. Living life on your own terms means nothing at all. It is probably the most foolish things to do. And to think that one can never fail.  Well! Everyone fails. It is a fact. I did not know how to accept it. How to accept life as it is! Until 2016 I had no time to look inwards. A lot of this is probably because I experienced so many things between 21- 27. So many places, cultures, ideas. Sometimes one needs to space out to let ideas stay. To make meaning of everything. To appreciate life. And to understand the good things that happens and acknowledge success. These lines from one of my favourite songs probably sums up my state of mind at that time :

Kisi manzar par mein ruka nahi

kabhi khud se bhi mein mila nahi

yeh gila toh hai mein khafa nahi

By the end of 2016, it was clear to me that I was low and depressed ( not clinically). I needed help and most importantly self help. I had no love within me to give it to anyone else and falling out of love affected me. I had put on loads of weight and kept my mind idle for way too long thinking what next?

Sometimes there is no next. There is the present that must be embraced.

In December 2016, I took a week long vacation and we went to Goa for a few days. I could not even enjoy a single drink. That was probably the tipping point. I knew I was completely down. From 2016 December started a journey of self exploration. Of knowing and managing myself. I realised I managed projects and people at work and life, but never gave a thought to manage my own self. My needs and wishes. My ideas and thoughts!

And then running happened!

I always loved running. In school I would always be in top 3 when it came to short distance fast running. All through 2016 I kept seeing my bro-in-law do the long distance runs in the weekend and come back home with great joy and satisfaction. In a way I was inspired by him. I still remember I couldn’t even do one kilometre on the first day. I had to stop because I couldn’t control my breathing. But I did not give up. This trait of always winning and being on the top of the game came handy here. I was humiliated by my own pathetic fitness level, although the group who ran with me kept encouraging me and made me feel this is normal. I realised that in order to run better I need to first loosen my body. I started yoga every evening with my friend who did his workout. Our home was also our gym. I would warm up every evening for 15mins, then do my yoga for 15mins and then do some weights and then second set of warm up to close. I had learnt Yoga in school and I did those 10-12 yogasanas everyday and it improved my confidence during running!

By the 2nd week of Jan 2017 I could already do 5K run within 33 minutes. I had gained in confidence with every passing Sunday and my breath control improved. Every time I would run I could feel my mind getting charged with great influx of thoughts and ideas. Running is really a mental game. It is physical only to a certain minimum percentage.  I had already made up my mind that this is what I need to do. Losing weight and staying healthy was just one aspect of wanting to run. The biggest drive was a sense of purpose that running provided to me. Running seemed like a key to unlock a world of thoughts and possibilities. Within weeks I knew that I would only run more and better with time.

On Jan 22nd 2017 I did my first 10K run and it felt great. Running would calm me down. It made me let go of all my ambitions, all disappointments. It made me shed all expectations from my own self and others. I started living in the moment and enjoying it. I did my first 10K marathon in Contours Womens day run in Manyata Embassy techpark in March. From then onwards started a continuous journey of glorious running. I did several 10K runs in several locations in Bangalore. And then in October I did my first half marathon inspite of cold and fever. The highlight was also running in Coimbatore, a city I love so much. I ran in my hometown on the streets where I grew up, on the beaches and on the banks of rivers. Every run has been unique triggering a chain of thoughts, looking back at all the things that have happened good or bad, helping me to know myself better.

I shed 13 Kgs of weight in 2017 and have been able to maintain my weight consistently. I lost almost 8-9 Kgs in a matter of 3 months i.e by March 2017. Without really changing anything in the diet except for controlling sugar intake and avoiding rice in the night I could achieve and sustain weight loss by regular and religious running. Shedding weight is also not an easy thing. It comes with its own set of complexities. To name a few - managing oversized clothes , feeling low on energy at times , getting running postures and techniques right to avoid injuries , managing hair loss which is sometimes a direct result of weight loss, improving bone strength and adjusting sleep cycle before the runs . I learnt that one must be receptive to all the changes that happen to the body and react quickly when required. I improved my nutrition levels.  In order to maintain good protein levels for the bones and hair I would regularly eat eggs/chicken. I consumed lot of green vegetables and fruits, a variety of lentils. I increased my water intake to keep my body well hydrated. I consumed a lot of nuts and dry fruits to boost my energy levels.

I had a great passion for writing which had slipped out of my life years back when I vowed to never write for some silly stupid reason. I was so young and so foolish then. I realised that this was a big mistake and I must correct it. No point in putting chains to a natural skill. Being a bit of an introvert I think writing comes naturally to me. I felt I must explore it as much as I can. I started writing again and find it very comforting now.  I want to write more as it gives an opportunity to be more expressive, improve the overall personality, provides a channel for different views, criticism and suggestions.  Having been out of touch for so many years I sure need to do a lot of catching up, write better, write big!

Things worked for me in 2017 and I made a comeback and embraced life the way it is. But 2017 was in no way an easy year. It was full of setbacks and difficulties. However I have been able to keep my calm, be positive and most importantly be happy. I was able to accept the setbacks and see them as opportunities. I think this is a very difficult thing to do and needs a lot of mental strength. The last day of 2017 presented a new adversity. My father had a heart attack and our worlds spun upside down. A glorious year of running had probably prepared me to face this situation. Two months into 2018 I’m still dealing with the impact of this event but running has kept me going, kept me positive and filled me with hope. There is a sense of satisfaction of doing every possible thing and this keeps me going .Sometimes you become a father even before you have a child. I guess me and my sister were already parents to my father but now we have accepted this parenthood with complete love and commitment. My father is doing better with God's grace (if there is a God).  Going forward I do think 2018 can only get better!

2017 helped me develop a deep love for running and it comes from a place of just wanting to run and be free from within. I feel I’m evolving as a person. I now have new dreams, hopes and ambitions but the difference is an understanding that not being able to fulfil your dreams and wishes is still ok and won’t end the world. I’m excited about them but I am also very calm. I will go forth and achieve some. I will also fail and be hurt. I will be proud of myself and I will also regret certain decisions. But I have realised that it is humanly not possible to lead a life of no regrets. Regrets are important because without regret there is no hope. Without regret there is no understanding of joy. At the end of the day we sleep with regret only to get up with hope.

One of those new dreams is to run better, run more. Bless me!

I let my skin

strip

its own rind

and

choose a new wear.

it chose thin air.

* 2017 - A year if glorious running and shedding weight ( Body and Mind) *

Coping

there is a time for silence
time to let
people hurl themselves
onto their destined quests

there is a time to look back
time to connect
the dots and put
fizzling memories to rest

there is also a time
to spin through the fissures
of present and
cling to tomorrow's neck

then there is a time
to stand on todays legs
and let sky unfold
eventualities from its chest

#being

zero hour dilemma

when you get
a slice of another life
over a cup of coffee
all the time is lost
in wanting to decide
whether to taste the slice
or drink coffee


*Puns on meeting marriage prospects*
;)

extraordinary

all i seek
is an ordinary life.
but life knows the knack
of smelling thoughts
and every time
i think straight
it rains twisted stars

anticipation

i saw its fingers
its limbs
all the time growing up
the grief of losing
a brother
made me want to kill
the fear of losing
anyone so dear.
i climbed more mountains
jumped out of the sky
did the dangerous rafts
and the long runs
until it was all gone
forever. but
i should have known
of its nature of
coming unannounced
when on the last sunrise
of what could have been
a glorious year (2017) otherwise
i saw its face
the face!
now,
seeing it ever again
is the only thing I dread

*of the fear of losing father*

Urge

dear ocean-

today

the rivers of  my heart

full with love

for you, left me

naming my heart lonely.

they became you!

would you love back somehow ?

feelings

they come
they go
they smile
they hide
possess
obssess
halt
pass by
cajole
play
never think
never say
you never know
when they stop and start
feelings
creep up
surround
climb down the
mountains in the heart
just like that.
if you could ever
hold a feeling in your hand
you would know
it is made of atoms from the chaos-land

Everyday drives

everyday drives
to the noonward skies
under canopy of trees
speckled with shadows
of branches entwined
meandering ways
wild and maze
when pure thoughts
come and play
to the rhythm of the music
from the paths that lay
waiting.
and if this be the reason
to meet yourself on the way
why not concede
I'am lost and found everyday

there is bliss
and then there are-
everyday drives
to the nightward skies
or the sunsets
conceling onsets
of ominous frets
dashing old dreams to fires
drawing warmth
to bear new desires
a cold night would keep
in its heart.
and if this be the reason
to dread the finish line
why not concede
I'am haunted by the nights everyday

Missed Connections

our story has long ended.
eyes met
yet
under the blanket of thoughts
words slept
silences crept
through hesitant smiles
as we perfected
the art of looking sideways.
that story of missed connections
has long ended.
but now if your heart tended
towards mine
which has much mended
and so it'd be fine
if you were to rewrite
nimble new colors
you might
as well find
in me
just be kind
to see.
no promise
of other ending
no promise
of glory
but atleast
a better story

Aftermath

wish
we swapped our hearts
then
we would both know
how it feels
I would know your
prayers
you would know my
wish


-Son